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c_hrysalis's journal
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For those who think that "quarter-life crisis" is something I conjured out of thin air and is an irrelevant situation, HERE YOU GO. The Quarter-Life Crisis Test and Guide 1. At least once a month you watch clips of old school Nickelodeon and other childhood materials. Or you break out your old Disney VHS collection until you’ve built up enough feelings of nostalgia to move you to deep depression or tears. 2. Considering quitting your job to chase your dreams is a regular occurrence each night before bed and every morning before work. 3. At 20-something years old you’re just now smoking cigarettes, marijuana or experimenting with some other drug for the first time. 4. You give yourself miniature panic attacks when you sit and think about how rapidly your 30s are approaching (or disappearing), with your 40s looming shortly thereafter. 5. You’d much rather stay at home on a Saturday night and have a glass of wine or a brew while watching Netflix, but instead you go out to avoid feeling “old.” 6. You often take lengthy, thought provoking drives to “find yourself,” but end up crying as Coldplay (or some other alternative rock music) surges through your speakers. 7. You really want a new tattoo, hairdo and/or piercing for no real purpose, other than that it’s new. 8. Drinking adult beverages used to make you carefree and social; now it makes you sad and sulky. 9. You’re dreading your next birthday the same way you used to fear going to the dentist as a child. (Aww, remember when you were just a little tyke, petrified to go get a cleaning? That feels like ages ago now, doesn’t it?) 10. The sight of hugely popular celebrities that are 18 OR UNDER disgusts you. Nothing personal, you just envy how lucky they are to be so young, wealthy and successful. 11. You feel a sense of urgency to get settled down so you can have a house, wife/husband and baby. 12. You didn’t finish school but you speculate what life would be had you gotten a degree, OR you graduated college but finding a job is so difficult, you’re wondering if it was even worth it. 13. You’ve strongly considered ditching your current situation and traveling the world, Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love style — but with the current state of the economy and a lack of funding, you held off. 14. At times you look around and feel like EVERYONE is doing better than you in every aspect of life. 15. Not only are things related to your current financial situation nerve-racking, they’re also rather perplexing. |
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 How You Know You're In Love - Thought Catalog You know when they are happy or sad or lonely, even when they won’t own up to their feelings, because you somehow just sense it. They get you in all of those weird unspeakable ways and people tell the two of you all the time that you are just like an old, married couple, except that you’re both still wear slap bracelets and watch Spongebob. You’re fine with cleaning up after them, doing the dishes or making them that extra pot of coffee when they have a term paper due in the morning that they have barely started or are on deadline. They might not be able to have sex with you that night or the next night because they are really tired, but you are fine with cuddling or just being next to them. You watch them in their sleep and they say they aren’t even that creeped out by it. They might actually be a little creeped out by it and are totally lying, because they know you’re just being sweet and not being John Wayne Gacy. You can go without have sex for a week or two weeks and not care all that much, because you know that you are doing other things that are sexy and affirming, like curling up close and listening to the new Jack White album. They suggest that you have a fun night in, where you play board games or the Showgirls drinking game, and you aren’t mad about not going out with your friends that night. You know you’ll catch them later. They talk to you and you actually listen, not because you know you’ll get some sex out of the deal but because you are genuinely interested in learning about this human being. You can’t remember having felt this way about anyone. They give you the “tingles” and you don’t know what that is because you haven’t had those in a long time and you think your stomach might be going to sleep. You find yourself accidentally talking about the future, even when you don’t mean to, and it just happens to slide into conversation. They’ll be discussing their views on Obamacare or the War on Women’s Reproductive Health, and you’ll interject with, “Speaking of planned parenthood, how many children do you think you want?” You find yourself wondering if they’ll be a good parent and searching for clues as to how they would perform in such a role and have considered randomly babysitting your friends’ kids for the night and taking notes. They mention they aren’t that interested in marriage or children and you don’t get all judgmental and yell-y like one of those women in the He's Just Not That Into You book and know that just being together is pretty awesome. You know that you don’t always have to put a ring on it or a stroller on it to like it. They know they like it and tell you they love you. You don’t hesitate. :) Who says fairytales don't exist? I found mine. |
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I met someone who only needed two and a half hours and a plate of gravy-covered french fries to show me how beautiful life could be with her. This was the Thought Catalog article that made me tear while I was reading it on the couch yesterday. I promise that this is worth your time. Yuntian and I subsequently pasted the same line from it to one another on Facebook chat, at the same time. Like how we picked up different copies of the same book at Prologue last week from different corners of the bookstore, and how we have exactly the same sentiments 99% of the time. Yeah I know, I'm not even going to bother being creeped out anymore. But anyway, "Sometimes, new love means breaking old habits. Sometimes you find yourself more at ease in relationships defined by inconsistency, anger, irreconcilable jealousy, and neglect, simply because that is what you have grown used to over the years. You grow complacent with the misery and heartache. Most importantly, you give up on yourself. When something accessible, consistent, warm, and altogether incredible comes into the picture, sometimes the hardest step is taking a deep breath, letting go of your tattered past, and taking that risk with something new — all the while repeating to yourself, “I’m worth it, I’m worth it, I’m worth it…" |
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"Why do you want to leave when everything you want is right here where you are?" Thinking of September makes me feel a little nauseous. Some things are not worth leaving behind. It is not so much of the act of leaving itself, but the fact that you've found something that means enough to make you stay but you're going anyway - that is the heartbreaking part. Never thought I'd be the homesick sort, but haha le sigh. Nevertheless, I had a perfect weekend. I am happy, you make me so, and I just thought you should know. |
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"And she was a nice girl with a good heart who liked helping people, and none of them ever lit my heart - God, I can't stop it with that word now - on fire like she did, but I just needed her so much and it never felt like enough and she wasn't consistent and her inconsistency and my insecurity were this horrible match for each other, but I still loved her, because all of me was wrapped up in her, because I'd put all my eggs in someone else's basket, and in the end after 343 days, I was left with an empty basket and this gnawing endless hole in my gut." - An Abundance of Katherines, John Green I guess you were never mine to begin with. |
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I wanted to leave when you were asleep, I wanted to pack up and disappear so badly, but I stayed, I always stay. Because you don't deserve someone walking out on you again, for whatever reason it might be, and I love you enough to not pull that on you. I finished an awesome novel at the door yesterday: "Do you wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside of you? I mean, I've always felt like the Katherines dump me right when they start to see what I look from the inside. I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone love me?" "I'm full of shit. I'm never myself. I've got a Southern accent around the oldsters; I'm a nerd for graphs and deep thoughts around you; I'm Miss Bubbly Princess with Colin. I'm nothing. The thing about chamaleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real. The problem is, you are not significant." "Don't matter. I don't matter." I don't think you know how much you hurt me. |
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I hate living in someone else's shadow. Fucking hate it #angst. Also, this should be a sign for something - From Tinct: |
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I don't test you. I respect you more than that. You didn't express any thoughts or feelings. You simply said you could not. I do understand why you did what you did. But again, I'm not a mind reader. And you have pushed me away several times already. I can only go by actions if the words are not there. Too much control has a way of backfiring. Perhaps if you just let go or open up once in awhile, you wouldn't find yourself so disappointed. I think we are lovely together. Yuntian has a penchant of sending me heartbreakingly relatable things at 3am, which I would subsequently wake up to in the morning. Being with the girls makes me feel well-adjusted, happy and at home. Case in point: We met up to study at Holland over the weekend and sped through our Strategy revision with the help of tortilla chips and Spongebob raisins. The horridness I felt over Friday night immediately reduced by about 110%. 2 more papers over the next 2 days and I'd be done with Year 3. Interviews could not be scheduled at worse timings than this. The only consolation would be dinner with B today in the CBD, whether it turns out to be traumatizing or not. I sincerely hope he wouldn't receive a bawling craycray me. This is a rather testing week. Okay Candice, pull yourself together. Let's be titanium :) |
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I had 2 hours of sleep and spent my night writing a letter I'll never send, and today I'm fine again. Yep, I'm an expert at ignoring problems until they go away. Except this one isn't, but I suppose :) shall suffice for now. |
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